You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world,
And there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches
– Dita Von Teese
Damn it! Isn’t life a bitch when you meet someone and on paper they tick all the boxes, but in the real world something just seems to be missing?
It’s like the tale of the Moon and the Sun. The Moon yearns for love though she is surrounded by stars and told of the majestic Sun, she searches for his warmth. She follows his light from place to place but he’s always elusive – and when they do meet, which is a rare thing – the rest of the world is left without light…I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t sound ideal to me!
Recently I started dating a lovely guy. The Analytical Chemist is a very sweet, intelligent man who had moved to our fair city from Queensland and loved the changeable Melbourne seasons, along with great coffee, food and the endless new places to explore. Romantic? Check. Thoughtful? Check. Good sense of humour? Check.
This guy seemed to be a great match for me. So why wasn’t I feeling head over heels? From the very first date, I felt almost like something might have been missing from the equation. I couldn’t put my finger on it.
To clarify, I guess I am one of those people who needs to feel instant chemistry. I have always been the same. I have always figured that if I wasn’t feeling butterflies straight away, then the likelihood of anything developing further was null and void. I agree, that since I am still single, that may have been a narrow-minded perspective. I have friends who didn’t like their partner at all when they first met only for it to develop into a love story…so this time I decided that, as I liked him, and he seemed really nice, I would go with the flow and see where this might lead.
So many weeks later, I was still going on dates and visiting interesting places with the new guy. We were checking out Melbourne galleries and the gorgeous dome at the State library, watching Spanish films and eating our way across Melbourne, from Italian food in Carlton to great Vietnamese Pho in Richmond…He was sending me beautiful snippets of poetry he was writing and we even attempted to write together. He was always planning the next date and wanting to see me as often as our busy lives permitted. He sent me text messages every day. He was the first man to buy me roses in a very long time.
He was really interesting. He’d spent some of his childhood in Papua New Guinea and told great tales of adventures there. He was introverted and quiet, but he had a fascination with erotic literature, had a blog woven together by his own photographs and poetry and he had a beautiful fascination with La Luna, the moon…
New guy was separated after a long-term marriage, which he’d ended 12 months before I met him. He carried a lot of guilt on his fit shoulders. As I listened to him talk, sometimes with much emotion, about his many years in matrimony, he seemed regretful of a life that didn’t quite turn out the way he hoped. Now in his early 40’s, he regretted not having travelled when he was younger, amongst other things. He had chosen not to have children as he’d been raised in a very strict born-again evangelical family (he was a self-confessed Atheist). He was, like a lot of other men in their 40’s, regretful and resentful for all the things they chose not to do because they happened to be married.
It was pretty clear that the Analytical Chemist, who was working at a major university, was falling – I know this because he told me he was. He looked at me in that way that people do when they are falling in love…
He also had dreams of finally travelling – of tying up loose ends and taking off to unknown destinations with no set itinerary, and no set time limits. He needed those dreams and I was pleased he acknowledged them. He asked me if I’d like to see the world with him. Being the mother of 3 amazing kids (two still in high school), I had no intention nor desire to leave my kids for months on end to contemplate the world. We were really just at very different stages of our lives. I love to travel but leaving my kids for too long wasn’t part of my life plan.
Okay, perhaps all of that could have been overcome or compromised but I was feeling uneasy when the Analytical Chemist looked at me like I was some precious commodity and something amazing to behold. Believe me – I was incredibly flattered, and it was so good for my ego to be the object of someone’s desires…really! I’m so grateful to have felt that.
It was with a heavy heart that I realized something.
I wasn’t feeling quite the same way about him. The elusive X factor was missing, and not because he was in any way lacking – because clearly he wasn’t – I simply wasn’t feeling like I was going to fall for him in the same way. I felt a huge responsibility – I was the first woman he had dated since his marriage had ended and I know what a huge emotional leap it is to be intimate with someone beyond the safety of the marriage bubble. Feelings of lust and passion can easily be misinterpreted as love when you’ve been out of the dating game for such a long time. I had always treaded carefully because from that first date I felt there was something vulnerable about this man, and that his heart was genuine.
Perhaps the timing was just off here and I tried very hard to let him go with as little unnecessary hurt as possible. He’s a great guy.
So inevitably, as life does, I have learnt valuable lessons from my time with the poetic Aries. I learnt that all hope is never lost and that somewhere out there will be the guy…I learnt that perhaps this is a similar scenario to the Producer and I…I would never presume to speak on behalf of the Producer but perhaps it’s possible that he felt like something was missing with me. Not because I’m lacking either – just because as these things go, the planets and the moons (or whatever universal forces) do not align at the right time.
As the lovely Dita Von Teese quote alludes to above, we simply can’t be everyone’s cup of tea. I’m so glad I met the lovely Analytical Chemist, but I feel it was the right thing to let him go. Our hearts know what they know and no amount of coercion or collusion will change that. He is deserving of meeting an amazing woman, more bohemian than I, who will willingly travel the globe with him as he grows and evolves from all the richness of his experiences. This is his time to figure out who he is and what he really wants. As he’s an Analytical Chemist, he will surely understand in time that sometimes it’s al about the chemistry.
The romantic in me expects one day I shall receive a postcard from the Analytical chemist as he sits on a beach, where the stars are his audience and La Luna shines just a little brighter.
As for me? Well, it’s nice to sometimes feel the sun on your shoulders but I’ve been reminded of the following: always trust my instincts. (Instinctual maybes are never a good as big fat yeses); good guys really exist out there and to never forget the big picture. There are more adventures to be had, more tales to tell and a life that simply must be lived!