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Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather in recent weeks. It’s true to say that this year is proving to be a confusing hot mess of major highs and major lows.
Okay the lows are not that “major”. Major lows in my life involved the end of important relationships, or more so, the death of people I loved dearly, or people that I love fighting serious illness. Those are some major lows! So my current lows, putting things in perspective, are low to moderate lows. If I’m being honest. It doesn’t sound so dramatic but hey…I can’t lie to you.
This year perhaps the universe was trying to teach me some lessons. I lost my job in a shock round of redundancies. I wasn’t prepared even though my mantra is the only certainty in life is change. Things always change. Sometimes they change for the better. Sometimes they don’t.
I had a small payout and figured I could financially support the kids and myself for a few months quite easily. Deep down I was buoyed by the belief that I’d land a job straight away and the money would be a nest egg (finally) in my bank account. Oh, happy days!!
Of course those of you following along at home know that it didn’t turn out that way! The high at the end was of course landing a great job, working for a huge organisation, and more importantly, getting paid. Which is always wonderful! I started to breathe again, kicking myself for the irony that I didn’t enjoy all that time off because I was constantly worried about finding work.
The Producer was so stellar through all of it. He told me to relax, enjoy some time off, reassuring me that I was doing all that I could. He told me not to worry about Money.
Which seemed impossible as a single parent, raising kids and being told I was not eligible for any benefits until all of my money had run out (at a time span they determined) and then being told that if and when I was entitled to anything, it wouldn’t be enough to even cover my rent. I attended a mandatory appointment at a government department (even though I wasn’t entitled to anything). It was demoralising being treated by them as less than.
Ugh. Bloody job hunting really is like dating! It’s hard. It’s not always fun. Sometimes you get your hopes so high only to be knocked on your arse.
At the 11th hour, I secured a new job. The relief was incredible. I was starting to worry how I might pay my rent.
Not working for 12 weeks impacted me in more ways than financially. Emotionally it really affected my self esteem. My job had been one of the things that got me through my marriage breakdown. I made some incredible friendships there.
It all happened so quickly in the end that I didn’t get a good bye lunch, or a card or a farewell bunch of flowers. I had organised so many of those over the years I worked there. I felt abandoned. I felt betrayed. I felt like I’d done something wrong. I felt like in the end I really was just a number. Which of course we all are.
Redundancies happen. In work places, people come and go. If all of my colleagues had signed a card for me, the outcome would have been no different. Work relationships mostly don’t survive outside that office space.
In my case, I have a few very dear friendships that evolved beyond the office and I’m grateful for that. I’m sad for those I thought would, but just weren’t meant to be. I’ll survive.
The universe was trying to teach me to never take things for granted.
A major high was finding out someone very dear to me had kicked cancer’s butt. She’s been fighting breast cancer and she won. She’s still on hormone treatments for the next 5 years but I was very grateful to the universe for the great news!
This year I’ve spent a lot of time in my car. I travelled to work and and back in heavy traffic every day (and to so many job interviews when I wasn’t working). I ferried my kids around everywhere they needed to be because we live in the suburbs where public transport is elusive, or difficult at best.
I travel between my place in the burbs and the Producer’s place in the inner city, kicking myself when I forget to pack simple things, like my hairbrush or deodorant. I have Bluetooth in my car so I can catch up on hands free calls in the car! My only sanity in the crazy busy days of my life.
I’ve been clocking up over 400 km’s every week for a couple of years now. Petrol prices hikes, Mr Hockey, are far greater than 40 cents a week sir! I know. It’s been hitting my hip pocket!
In the last 4 years my previously unblemished driving record has been torn to shreds. Parking tickets, speeding fines and even a red light ticket. I’m not proud of that. I was pulled over by a police man for the first time in my life this year for speeding. Let me clarify that apparently all streets in the CBD in Melbourne are now 40 km/h. I was slightly over! I wasn’t hooning around. I was embarrassed though as he kept the police lights going the entire time! People were looking at me like I was a drug lord rather than an executive assistant only two minutes away from the car park I was heading to.
Rushing from one place to the other to the next has to give eventually. It’s like a rubber band being pulled too tight. It either snaps back or breaks. I’ve pulled myself in many directions trying to be all things to all people. Which of course we can’t be. No one can.
Working in the city now, I’m catching the train for the first time in years. I’m topping up my Myki card and I’m feeling like a bonafide commuter after only a few weeks. The downside is I’m now leaving home even earlier to secure a car park at the station.
I’m starting work earlier and leaving later. I’m trying to wrap my head around a new role which is demanding and hectic and at times stressful. I’m feeling for my kids who are feeling it.
So here’s a major high. The Producer and I have decided to live together. I’m really excited. I can’t wait. We will meet half way. I’ll be closer to the city and the gorgeous ones can still catch a train to their school so they don’t need to leave their friends. I know he’s making a huge sacrifice to move out of his current hipster area. Where we’re moving to though isn’t half bad.
We’ve been looking at houses. Finding one that is going to suit the family in the area we want isn’t going to be easy. We found one that was ideal. We loved it as did the kids but it wasn’t meant to be. We didn’t get it. After getting so excited, I did feel a bit sorry for myself. I started to imagine our life there. Together.
Still, I can take the time to clear out my house now and have a major clean up. Perhaps the things I sell will pay for a removalist. There is always a silver lining! The universe is teaching me patience. Blah!
The right house will come along. I’ve been living on my own with the kids for 4 years. I don’t know what it will be like to cohabitate with my man. I’m nervous but excited to find out! I’m in love and looking forward to our next chapter together.
I’d love to hear your stories of moving in together.
thegoodgirlconfessional 